Just a little (a lotta) R-E-G-R-E-T

Most Mornings I wake up to a sweet “Good Morning!” text from my mother. This morning wasn’t like that kind of morning.

Sometimes words can cut like a knife even through text message, and sometimes some people are out to air their dirty laundry right next to my lavender smelling pillow (my phone was next to my pillow).

So what do I do when someone who I love has her bad things reported to all of her family and then all of the world over social media?

I knew she wasn’t going to want to hear it from me. My regrets fly back to me quick as I remember one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made. “I don’t want to be friends anymore,” I told her, and that was that. I had left my sister out to dry, because I thought I knew what I was doing.

When I say sister I don’t mean the blood kind. I mean the together always, been through it all, more years than we can count, I liked you even in your critter years, teach me how to use a tampon, deepest darkest secret, I-don’t-have-a-sister-and-its-okay-because-I-have-you kind of bond.

I was the idiot who gave that all up.

I called her anyway. Because sometimes love just has to take the risk of rejection, and I wanted her to know that however bad this was, she was not alone. As she cried, she didn’t know that on the other side, my heart was breaking for her.

When I go through life with someone (my entire life) they become like a part of me, and when I hear them scared, when I hear them broken and sobbing, its like a part of me is broken.

When I love someone I want their joy. I want their dreams to come true. I want their absolute greatest good.

But sometimes life gets us right in the keester, and things break down, and the only way out is through the Light, and he is Love. So when I love, He is working through me to show her the way out and when I am loved he is working through them to show me the way out.

There is always a way out.

I didn’t always get love. I still just barely get it. That is why I threw away countless years of friendship. I regret it all the time. Years have put a lot of space between us. I would do anything to get them back.

I cant.

So instead, I’ll listen to every word, if she’ll let me. I’d walk through fire with her, even if it is just so that she knows she does not walk alone. I finally know what it is to be grateful for her friendship. I used to know what it is like to have friends who have my back all the time. I gave that up and now I know what its like not to have that.

So if today she was wondering if she was alone in this mess, if she is loved, even in this mess, I hope the string of phone calls, text messages, and voicemails from us were a clear reminder that she is loved. One thing I have learned about love is that its not about what I get in return, its about what I give even when its hard to give.

Beauty can come from ashes.

-M

 

 

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