Today was an interesting day. I spent the day packing my kitchen up while screaming Ke$ha lyrics at the top of my lungs. Yeah… that kind of interesting.
I took a picture of myself standing victorious in front of a mostly empty kitchen (the coffee pot is still there- hey! I need that!) and was totally planning to throw it up on instagram with my moving hashtag.
But I look so happy with what I have done there. The truth is… I was not happy at all today. I scrubbed glasses and wrapped them in T-shirts. I broke seven out of ten nails. I cried a little bit at my frustration for how long it is taking me to pack this whole dang house. I ate chips and salsa (yes- the infamously favorite wal-mart brand salsa of college years fame) and I passed out on the couch watching Grey’s Anatomy. I awoke completely out of it not knowing if I had slept through the night or not and somehow managed to pull myself together to go grab a plate of beans and rice with the permanent roommate.
I pulled my phone out to get aforementioned post all set up and I realized- though I try really hard to be real all the time on my social media sites, there are definitely times when I only share a part of the story. Today for instance- I would have been sharing my joy in that small moment, but I totally would have ignored all of the hard moments leading up to that small victory. I find it so easy to share the pretty parts of my life. They get a cool filter and I share a piece of my story. Sometimes I am brave enough to share a picture of my life that is more accurate- disorganized and often messy- but still totally my life. I have cute hashtags, and a neat and fluid style for posting each day.
But life isn’t that pretty. A friend and mentor, Chris Padgett, once said something in class that has always stood out to me: “I’m a mess. You’re a mess. We are all a mess. And its okay! Just beg for the grace, in the moment, to will the good.” These have been words I have come to live by. Some days, I am the conductor of the hotmess express. Some, I’m merely a passenger. Yet still others, I am waving as the crazy train rolls on past me. Today, I have stood in all three positions and though I am exhausted as I sit Supervising Study Hall right now, I have an overwhelming sense of peace.
Ave Maris Stella is supposed to be something different. I hope that this community is a gate of heavenly rest. This is where I come to let my hair down, put my feet up, and be brutally honest. So I am being honest. Today had some points where it really sucked. But it had an over all sense of looking for, and finding JOY. The kind that you can feel deep in your soul.
Today, I realized that small victories are meant to be rejoiced in! I also realized that trials should be rejoiced in too. Because it is in joyfully accepting my suffering that I can be more like Our Lady, and grow closer to her Son.
PS: here’s what I looked and felt like today for real