It’s amazing how grown up I felt when I graduated from college. It was as if that degree suddenly unlocked the door to a world of things I didn’t even know could be mine… Except I wasn’t a grown up yet. Sure- I got a job at Starbucks and worked weird hours then got a second job nannying for the sweetest little baby to fill the other hours. I saved a bunch of money and planned a wedding, I bought a bunch of crap for my house that it turns out I probably didn’t need after all. I thought these things meant I was a grown up.
Well, I got married. I moved away to Ohio and faced something new entirely. My friends and family were nowhere in sight. I had an apartment to fill, then to clean on the regular. I was once again working weird hours, and I added a new hurdle, I went back to school. I added a whole new dynamic- waking up early, doing my school work, putting off cleaning and I began to realize that I have been facing a new set of fears.
I will wear yoga pants for four days in a row AND leave the dishes there for as many days. I drink an entire pot of coffee in one sitting, and eat Trader Joes chocolate sandwich cookies by the dozen. I dream about fresh fruit and gluten free donuts and the days when I will be able to buy them for my self because they exist at my local grocer. I sometimes would cry in moments of frustration, wondering if I would find my happiness where I was. I am obsessed with Kate Middleton. I kind of want to be her…. Minus the whole princess thing of course but…. I’d be her if I could. Then I get this overwhelming fear that I am failing at being an adult. You see I sometimes have a hard time not believing the stereotypes that society is whispering into my ear. I need to be perfectly put together, have my house in perfect order, I need to be edgier, I need to be softer, I need to be more stylish and then suddenly I have to stop listening to it all and just conquer one fear at a time.
Today, I conquered a fear. I used an eyelash curler. I had a friend, who had a friend who chopped all of her eyelashes off accidentally using one. I heard it takes seven years to grow them back. Recently I have started to attempt to use eye makeup because when I am really tired and my eyes betray that, I feel better with a little mascara and a hint of eye shadow. My sister is totally into makeup, and I have started to ask her to teach me how to layer things differently and how to use the daunting pallets that adorn Sephora’s walls. One of the things she said I just had to try was an eyelash curler. The dreaded tool. *shudders as she walks into target* I took a deep breath, bought an eyelash curler and stared it down as I told myself: you’ve got this! It took me all night to build up the courage to do it… but I did! I used the eyelash curler today and I am so excited. I am still timid, but it did open my eyes dramatically… In more ways then one: sure the eyelash curler and the eye makeup is fun, and is a good small fear to tackle, but using that eyelash curler helped to remind me that facing fears needs to be a part of my life every day, in all aspects of what I am doing. I am not called to live in fear. I am called to live in peace and in expectant joy that what is meant for my life is going to happen…
More on that next time though!
(Special thanks for Maria for the picture of the eyelash curler since mine is packed away)